2004 Ryder Cup recap...Worst Loss EVER

I have no witty introduction to this blog, as I'm too pissed off for words. Let's just break it down and start passing out the blame...

The Europeans raped the United States squad 18 1/2 to 9 1/2 to reclaim the Ryder Cup. There was no magic to be cast like at Brookline in '99. Congrats to the Euros for a well played set of matches. The Americans were vacant throughout the entire tournament and they paid the price. This is also the one time every two years where I'll actually root for Tiger Woods. Let's take a look at who fed it and who ate it...

Fuck Hal Sutton, the United States "Captain." He was Captain in title only and should be hogtied and stuck with red-hot pokers, then dragged through the streets of Bloomfield Hills while wild boars rip off his nuts (What? Too much too soon?). Does anyone else think he bears a resemblance to Grady Little? Hal, you fucked up. And you can say all you want how people will scrutinize the Captain's decisions in every Ryder Cup, but you seriously fucked up...

Friday's pairing of Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson was one for the ages. Here was the #2 and #4 golfers in the world getting their asses handed to them in a brown paper bag. Mickelson and Woods have never really gotten along. So, playing in a pairing together as a team might be a bit of a stretch. Therefore, it's somewhat understandable that they were beaten handily by Colin Montgomerie and Padraig Harrington on Friday morning, 2 and 1. Woods and Mickelson were merely co-existing in the first 18 holes. So what does "Pigvomit" Sutton do in the afternoon? He pairs them up again! See, most people would see the morning "experiment" as something of a failure that didn't quite work out as planned, and would subsequently change it. Not to mention the fact that he paired up two of the longest hitters on tour together, where other pairings could have used the distance of Tiger or Phil in the afternoon. After the first two rounds, the US trailed by 5 points. I wish it ended there...

Sutton needed to light a fire under their asses. The Euros played as a team. On every hole they walked down the fairways together, lined up each others putts, and played like teammates. They were like a family on the links. They cheered each other on, offering help and guidance for each stroke in each match.

On Saturday morning...a gleam of light! Hal Sutton abandoned his standard breakfast of retard sandwiches. Mickelson? Benched! Amen! Mickelson fucked up and decided to change clubs two weeks before the Ryder Cup. And it showed all weekend. Hal Sutton grew a pair of balls and benched Golden Boy for the morning matches. The US, again riding the shoulders of the Jay Haas - Chris DiMarco pairing took 2 1/2 of 4 points that morning. Tiger Woods and Chris Riley proved to be the surprise of the morning, winning 4 and 3. Woods and Riley played great golf, and appeared to be having a genuinely good time on the course.

Riley claimed that he was too "emotionally drained" and felt that he could not play in the afternoon matches. "Emotionally drained?" Listen, the Ryder Cup happens once every two years and one could equate this to being the Olympics of Golf. If a manager tells you to go out and pitch the 8th inning after already pitching seven in a must-win situation, you play. Where's the heart? Where's the guts? Sorry Chris, but grow a pair of fucking balls. Woods was then paired with Davis Love III and the pairing eventually lost 4 and 3. No heart. No teamwork.

Sunday was yet another clusterfuck with the US jumping out to an early lead. The trophy was all but in the hands of Europe, who needed a mere 3 points in 12 matches to retain the Cup. Applaud Tiger Woods for jumping out on top of Paul Casey to set the tone and emotionally charge the crowd. Jim Furyk and Chad Campbell finally played some fucking golf for the first time all weekend. Blame assholes like Mickelson, Fred Funk and David Toms for being vacant throughout the matches. And give credit to the Euros for bringing top-notch golf to the tournament, playing as a team instead of 12 individuals.

Needless to say that things continued poorly for the US, and they were subsequently forced to watch the Euros celebrate on the 18th green. I hope it hurt the players to watch that. They were all forced to go back to their luxury suites and private jets and feel shame.

Then leave it to that fat-fuck Roger Maltby to do post-match interviews on the 18th green. He pissed me off earlier in the week asking every player the same question after Friday's first matches: "So, (insert golfer name here), this seems kinda likes shades of The Belfry from '02, huh?" Mix it up a little bit, you Douchebag! Now, with champagne spraying in the air, Maltby asked American players, "What does it feel like to watch the other team celebrate?" Well, Roger, let's see...bend over and I'll show you! Fuck him...shit-ass hack commentator who can't see his feet.

Just like at The Masters, any broadcast journalism major interested in sports can enjoy the packages that Jimmy Roberts cut for the Ryder Cup. Fantastic job writing to pictures, telling the story, and just making it fun to watch...

I just hope that Lee Westwood watches some of the Ryder Cup footage and decides to invest a little of his money on dental surgery. Them chompers is beasts!

European player most likely to be gay: Miguel Angel Jimenez. Get a haircut you freak!

And isn't it about time that we keep Curtis Strange away from the US team at all costs? I mean, it's bad enough that he cost the US the '95 Cup as a player and the '02 Cup as a Captain, but now we've gotta worry about him jinxing the rest? Please, someone take him far, far away.

As far as the teams are decided, I'd like to know how some players make the team. I'm sure there's an explanation if I really wanted to dig deep enough, but I don't. Needless to say, I question how players like Fred Funk and David Toms made the squad. I don't care what you did a year ago, what have you done for me lately? Get players who are playing well at the moment. I wouldn't have minded seeing someone like Todd Hamilton on the team, the player who won the Honda Classic and the British Open in '04. I'm just interested in knowing when the fuck Fred Funk last won something. The 48 year old is considered the "most accurate driver" on tour. But let's face it: he sucked balls. Kenny Perry had 3 wins in '03, but none in '04 and is a Ryder Cup rookie at 44 years old. Sorry, but again, what have you done for me lately? Herb Brooks waited until the last minute to finalize cuts for the 1980 Olympic team, and that seemed to work out pretty damn well. Maybe we should go with that plan.

And isn't it about time that we consider the Fiji Islands as part of America? At least we could snag Vijay Singh. Or how about Mike Weir, the left-hand Canadian?

I suggest that whoever is Captain in '06 had better get on the ball early. Get your team in order and figure out pairings that will work. Brooks didn't have the best players on his team, but those who could play well as a team. Figure out who will play the best as a team with the players who are designated. And it's time for there to be 8 players determined by numbers and 4 Captain's picks. Give the Captain more freedom to choose who will best round out his squad.

But then again, what do I know?