Welcome/2004 Home Run Derby

Welcome everyone to my official Blog. Lots of friends were writing these and I figured that since everyone else was doing it, why not me? And you get bonus points if you know where the main Blog title originates...

Tonight I watched the 2004 Home Run Derby along with Seed and Sami Bull...chaos ensued. I present to you my 2004 Home Run Derby Diary...

8:02 -- The show begins with native Texan Roger Clemens introducing musical act Clay Walker. Who is Clay Walker? Who gives a fuck? This trouser-stain is simply delaying the beginning of the Derby, not to mention that his music sucked for the 30 seconds I listened to.

8:05 -- Seed bets that either Hank Aaron or Willie Mays will be the most miserable member of the 500 HR Club. We needed something to distract us from the Clay Walker spectacle.

8:10 -- Sammy Sosa is introduced. Unfortunately, there's no mention of his corked bat and how he is a cheater.

8:11 -- Chris Berman creams himself introducing Barry Bonds. I'm still wait for the day that someone in the media realizes what a cheater he is. It took 2 years for Rick Reilly to become the first person to write an unfavorable, yet truthful, piece about Tiger Woods

8:12 -- Seed curses that he forgot about Eddie Murray.

8:13 -- Seed curses that he forgot about Mike Schmidt and Frank Robinson.

8:16 -- It is the general consensus that Schmidt and Mays are the most miserable members. They appear as personable as someone who just got kicked in the balls. Perhaps the biggest shock of the night was a smiling Eddie Murray.

8:24 -- The first Barry Bonds rant begins. Seed comments on how he wears his uniform pants improperly. We all agree that he's an asshole and his steroid-induced death cannot happen soon enough.

8:33 -- Barry Bonds is finished with 8 homeruns and is now talking on the broadcast. Because of all the steroids, his voice is unnaturally high and gay. He sounds like Janice the Muppet, the blonde one who used to be in the band.

8:45 -- Lance Berkman finishes his first round with 7 HRs and Sam Ryan is performing her first of several awful interviews. On top of this, it's amplified throughout the stadium. It's bad enough that the people at home suffer, but now those in attendance have to sit through shitty questions with cliche answers. To this day, I will never understand why they pipe that shit through the speakers. On a side note, a debate ensues as to whether or not they have always pitched in front of the mound

8:48 -- Sam Ryan provides another prize-winner when she is clearly unprepared to interview former President George H.W. Bush. She is clueless. A call from my Dad alerts us to the fact that one of the Century 21 contestants looks like Grady Little, and the woman next to him is a dead ringer for Harpo Marx. Mike Schmidt is still looking miserable.

8:50 -- Miguel Tejada hasn't even reached the plate yet and Seed is already cursing. We are serenaded to the sounds of "Fuck him!", "Speak English you asshole!", and "Cut his fucking microphone! Nobody wants to hear that gibberish!"

9:03 -- Jim Thome is out with only 4 HRs and a minimal number of crotch adjustments. Sam Ryan is again making a complete ass out of herself.

9:09 -- David Ortiz hits the roof with a ball...should have been called a HR but is instead an out. Manny Ramirez, looking foolish as ever, nearly chokes to death on his tobacco. It's also realized that all the Latin players are hanging together tighter than the Sharks in West Side Story.

9:12 -- It is clear that Manny Ramirez is high, and for some reason, David Ortiz is speaking in tongues.

9:14 -- Chris Berman announces that the next batter is Sammy "Say it is" Sosa. It was at this moment that I think he officially jumped the shark. At least Stuart Scott wasn't there to talk jive.

9:15 -- The following exchange occurs...
Dan(speaking about the HR Derby): God, this thing is long as Hell...
Sami: That's what she said.
Yup, these are my roommates...and this stuff never gets old.

9:17 -- Sammy Sosa whiffs on a HR Derby pitch, and turns his hat backwards. Evidently turning your hat around like an asshole is the key to hitting more homeruns. We talk about how funny it would be if Sammy got handcuffed on a pitch and broke his bat, only to find out it's corked again.

9:24 -- Sam Ryan interviews Sosa, giving him softball questions where nobody can understand a single word he says. Again, the people sitting inside Minute Maid Park are tortured in having to listen to this. You can almost make out every third word he says. The only way this could get better is if a drunken Joe Namath stumbled into the picture and tried to give out kisses.

9:30 -- Frank Robinson is on the broadcast and sounds cocked. The trio continue to talk about Barry Bonds, despite the fact that Rafael Palmeiro is on a tear. Then again, Palmeiro is arguably the most underrated player in the history of baseball.

9:39 -- The roof is beginning to open. Chris Berman has to ask fans in Houston to give Hank Aaron a round of applause...that's just pathetic. Then again, Hank Aaron did just say "ax" instead of "ask"

9:53 -- Bonds hits only 3 HRs in the 2nd round, but Joe Morgan's lovefest continues. You really get the impression that Joe Morgan is waiting to blow him after the contest. Bonds nearly hit one of the Million Dollar signs out in the stands. He said earlier that he was hoping to hit one. Joe Morgan says he called his shot. Fucking bullshit! If Bonds called his shot, he would have pointed to that fucking sign and said, "I'm hitting this next pitch there." And people wonder why I get pissed off...

9:56 -- A highlight of the evening in some respects: Sami Bull nearly chokes to death after taking a shot of Tanqueray straight from the bottle.

10:10 -- Tejada moves past Bonds, thus eliminating him from the contest. Joe Morgan is still talking about Barry Bonds.

Needless to say, it was anti-climatic from this point forward. Joe Morgan continues to verbally fellate Barry Bonds, Curt Schilling's albino son has ADD, and it gets boring enough that we temporarily switch to one of the Cinemax channels to watch part of Bikini Airways. Miguel Tejada tops Lance Berkman in the finals, and he's wrapped in a Dominican flag...something that still confuses me. Seriously, what the fuck was that about? Its not like Michael Jordan in the 1992 Olympics. It's just Home Run Derby.

Afterwards was the Celebrity Softball game, where Seed screamed things such as "Balk!", "He stepped on the plate!", and "Will Clark is a drunken pederass!" Rollie Fingers made a remarkable catch and Rick Sutcliffe was his usual moron self.

Hopefully the All-Star Game brings more excitement than the Derby did. I hope you've enjoyed reading the various ramblings of a cynic. Thanks for stopping by, and thanks for having electricity.